Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Drinkers for Jesus

Another weekend morning has arrived and a mild ache in the back of my head alerts me that I have had another evening filled with good times and cheap brews. I lurch over the side of my bed and chug the half glass of water residing next to me and roll back over. For the next hour I will contemplate getting up or going back to sleep. Sleep will win. After a thirty minute nap I will wake up and cook breakfast, hit the gym, and go to work for a few hours. All of this will be followed by a movie with friends and cooking dinner before I prepare for a cookout the next day. For the mild nausea and soreness I awoke to I feel I have been pretty productive.

I felt a run down of my average weekend was necessary to preface my article here. Essentially my what I am trying to convey is that even after a late night out with some friends and dealing with a wee bit of a hangover one can be incredibly functional. Sadly the Amazing Grace Mission in Dayton, Tennessee do not agree with me.

Last week I was doing my grocery shopping and picked up a twelve pack of Miller Lite, yes I know most people consider it swill but I find it cool and refreshing. (If anyone at Miller Lite would like more free advertising, feel free to contact me!) After putting away the milk, chicken, and produce I began to load up the beers into the mini fridge in the living room. When I was done I notice a small card laying at the bottom of the box. At first I assumed it was a promo for tickets like many of the beer companies run at the beginning of a sports season and hoped it meant free Colts tickets. Sadly instead of an invite to see Peyton throw some bombs it was a list of the reasons I’m a piece of shit for engaging in a cocktail here and there.

Just in case you have not been lucky enough to receive one of these friendly little pieces of scripture here was the run down. I left a little side commentary just for funsies.

1.I love to vomit. (Keeps me thin)
2.It makes my children respect me. (Practice safe sex and you wont have them to worry about)
3.My wife loves my whiskey breath and beer-bleary eyes. (Yeah she does)
4.Drunkards and saloon keepers make the best citizens. (I am a saloon keeper, technically)
5.It helps me with the safe driving award. (Three this week)
6.I want to encourage juvenile delinquency. (Giving back to the kids)
7.It helps me think more clearly. (Gotta think clearly when stealing a car)
8.It’s my way of saving money. (If you can’t remember spending it, didn’t happen)
9.I hope to live in a “flophouse” on skid row. (Now is the time to buy)
10.It’s my way of obeying God, Who says, “wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging; and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.” – Proverbs 20:1
(I am not going to mock the Bible, even I have limits)

Now I can jump on board the “actual alcoholism is a bad thing ship” but literally the card goes on to say even if you just drink some of the time and don’t push the limit you end up a bum on the street asking people for money and reference Skid Row again. I was not aware that the eighties band was so popular with the church going crowd, but I digress. I think what bothers me about the whole thing is that to begin I found it in something I purchased at a grocery store, meaning someone as a distribution center or in Walmart managed to shove something into a box that I will be drinking the contents out of, hygiene issues apply. Secondly, this is just another religious group with a narrow mind spreading a message that if you don’t follow there exact teachings you are garbage. The ten commandments were pretty straightforward on how not to be an asshole, in Bible stories people are constantly sipping wine, it is even served in Catholic Mass for communion but I’m going to hell because I ordered a Mojito (other then the obvious reasons).

I have always had my issues in organized religion when it comes down to the “side projects” of the whole business. I think the key points are all there to make us better people; murder, cheating, stealing, and all the other essentials are pretty obvious. It’s the self righteous groups that spend their time telling everyone else how they shall burn for an eternity are usually the ones with so many skeletons in the closet it resembles “A Nightmare Before Christmas”. I don’t think anyone should be getting all Lindsay Lohanned every night of the week and that alcoholism has destroyed a lot of lives out there. I just don’t want to feel guilty every time I open a sixer up, I just want to taste fresh hops and the triple cold filtered taste (Seriously, Miller, hit me the fuck up).

I think a lot of religious groups do a wonderful job of putting together AA programs and funding outreach centers. There are a lot of great people who give a helping in hand to those who need to get their lives back on track and they should be recognized. I find this is just like telling a teenage kid if you make out with someone they will get pregnant. Filling them with fear works for a while but in the end they resent you for not being honest with them up front and it turns them away from you. If you’d like to get in touch with Amazing Grace Mission the address to write them is P.O. Box 289 Dayton, TN 37321. I’m sure they will keep you from drinking… or thinking for that matter. I’m going to have a glass of milk and call it a day. I’ve got my move in to Skid Row to prepare for this weekend and being my friends are saloon keepers they aren’t very dependable.